By Crispin Sartwell
Just days after a bitterly divided
Senate committee voted along party lines to approve her nomination as a federal
appellate court judge, California Supreme Court Justice Janice Rogers Brown
told an audience Sunday that people of faith were embroiled in a "war"
against secular humanists who threatened to divorce America from its religious
Los Angeles Times, April 26
Official Communique from the
Secular Humanist Liberation Front and Book Club:
Tremble, people of faith. We have
taken to the hills, a screaming ravening horde of liberal arts professors,
Unitarians, glamorous Hollywood stars, and people from Massachusetts. First we
will brutally filibuster your judges, then we will gleefully eviscerate, disembowel, and otherwise discredit
Despair, people of faith. Soon we will post the
video of our masked bisexual avengers boning and filleting Bill Frist. Renounce
your so-called God or face the same fate. The next time you erect a ten
commandments plaque or a crèche, we will descend on you from the Upper West
Side like Huns, like Mongols, like Visigoths for the truth.
The time for talk is over. We tried bribing Tom Delay,
but he was too expensive. We tried to show you breasts on television, but you
would not listen to reason.
If we left the education of our children to you,
people of darkness, we would still be teaching them that the sun orbits the
earth. To prevent this, we will resort not only to school board meetings but to
acts of terror such as the world has never known.
You, people of faith, have your Zarqawis and your
Rudolphs, your Charles Graners and John Ashcrofts. But we have our Stephen Jay
Goulds and Stephen Hawkings, our Ellen Goodmans and Molly Ivinses: people
infinitely more sadistic, people who would as soon kill you as read the Left
This is our secular humanist Crusades, and
through it we will institute a government of actual human beings rather than
wraiths and hallucinations.
First we will refute you. Then we will destroy
and repress your so-called "religions" and your pathetic "God."
"Pray" to your "God" to save you, for we the secular
humanists will have no mercy.
"Religious roots of America" indeed! We
remind you that every one of the founding fathers was a howling atheist or
(like John Adams) an in-your-face Satanist.
Shake in your boots, people of faith, for
we will scrub the halls of justice clean of your epistemic pollution.
Ultimately, if we get there before the Rapture, we will help you to transcend
this earthly, fallen plane and send you on to your eternal reward.
Abandon the public square, god-addled fools, to
people who direct hip hop videos, to the editorial page staff of the New York
Times, to happily married gay people, to school administrators giving away
candy-colored condoms to seventh-graders, to acupuncturists, to amnestied
illegal immigrants and unionized prostitutes, to softcore pornographers and
users of prescription marijuana.
Only thus can you hope to save yourselves.
Sartwell blogs at eyeofthestorm.blogs.com