Tremble!

By Crispin Sartwell

 

Just days after a bitterly divided Senate committee voted along party lines to approve her nomination as a federal appellate court judge, California Supreme Court Justice Janice Rogers Brown told an audience Sunday that people of faith were embroiled in a "war" against secular humanists who threatened to divorce America from its religious roots.

Los Angeles Times, April 26

 

 

Official Communique from the Secular Humanist Liberation Front and Book Club:

 

Tremble, people of faith. We have taken to the hills, a screaming ravening horde of liberal arts professors, Unitarians, glamorous Hollywood stars, and people from Massachusetts. First we will brutally filibuster your judges, then we will gleefully eviscerate,  disembowel, and otherwise discredit you.

    Despair, people of faith. Soon we will post the video of our masked bisexual avengers boning and filleting Bill Frist. Renounce your so-called God or face the same fate. The next time you erect a ten commandments plaque or a crËche, we will descend on you from the Upper West Side like Huns, like Mongols, like Visigoths for the truth.

   The time for talk is over. We tried bribing Tom Delay, but he was too expensive. We tried to show you breasts on television, but you would not listen to reason.

   If we left the education of our children to you, people of darkness, we would still be teaching them that the sun orbits the earth. To prevent this, we will resort not only to school board meetings but to acts of terror such as the world has never known.

   You, people of faith, have your Zarqawis and your Rudolphs, your Charles Graners and John Ashcrofts. But we have our Stephen Jay Goulds and Stephen Hawkings, our Ellen Goodmans and Molly Ivinses: people infinitely more sadistic, people who would as soon kill you as read the Left Behind novels.

    This is our secular humanist Crusades, and through it we will institute a government of actual human beings rather than wraiths and hallucinations.

    First we will refute you. Then we will destroy and repress your so-called "religions" and your pathetic "God." "Pray" to your "God" to save you, for we the secular humanists will have no mercy.

   "Religious roots of America" indeed! We remind you that every one of the founding fathers was a howling atheist or (like John Adams) an in-your-face Satanist.

     Shake in your boots, people of faith, for we will scrub the halls of justice clean of your epistemic pollution. Ultimately, if we get there before the Rapture, we will help you to transcend this earthly, fallen plane and send you on to your eternal reward.

    Abandon the public square, god-addled fools, to people who direct hip hop videos, to the editorial page staff of the New York Times, to happily married gay people, to school administrators giving away candy-colored condoms to seventh-graders, to acupuncturists, to amnestied illegal immigrants and unionized prostitutes, to softcore pornographers and users of prescription marijuana.

    Only thus can you hope to save yourselves.

 

 

   Crispin Sartwell blogs at eyeofthestorm.blogs.com