Hoagie Hell
By Crispin Sartwell
They hate our freedom. But they want our hoagies.
Mazen Fathi Said runs the Famous Pita bakery in Greensboro, NC. On June 14th at 4:21 AM, Said was allegedly videotaped at Norristown PA's Morabito Baking Company, swiping binders full of recipes for hoagie rolls, which Morabito supplies to some of the biggest customers in the country.
One can picture this fanatical baker, frustrated by the limited pita market, engaging in expansionist fantasies about the fundamentally American business of leavened bread. Then one can picture him hatching a master plan, a plan to compromise some of the most closely-held hoagie-roll secrets in the country in an act of espionage and subversion that would, if successful, wreak untold destruction
Said, at last look, was being held in lieu of $2 million bond. This may appear excessive even in the face of such a vicious attack on our sacred way of life. But North Carolina authorities claimed that Said was a flight risk, due to links to terrorist organizations. Possibly he was planning to share the hoagie secrets with Saddam and Osama, notorious hoagie consumers.
Said is an Israeli Arab born in Nazareth, from whence came the miracle of the loaves and fishes that may, in his warped mind, have served as the model for Said's fanatical Islamist hoagie-roll bakery. Few things are as dangerous as a baker who truly believes that Allah has called him to sell hoagies.
Of course, Said's brother and others have claimed that the terrorist angle is the result merely of anti-Arab prejudice. How typical of minority groups to claim discrimination even when actual hoagies are at stake.
One key piece of information that Said was apparently eager to obtain was the secret of making hoagie rolls that are blunt rather than tapered. One need hardly point out that intelligence on that level could devastate a nation already reeling from the release of "From Justin to Kelly."
So today we can breathe just a little easier, knowing that due to the heroic efforts of law enforcement, our hoagies, if nothing else, are safe.
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Crispin Sartwell's email address is c.sartwell@verizon.com.
